I couldn't do it.

I couldn't look into those eyes and lie to him.

Let me start at the beginning.  When I was little I believed in Santa Claus.  My parents did elaborate 'Santa visits' complete with showing us the reindeer leaving our house when we returned from Christmas Eve at my grandparents.  When I was 7 years old my parents had friends over and we were sitting around the dinner table.  They mentioned something about their kids finding out or knowing that Santa Claus wasn't real.  I immediately felt vulnerable.  I remember that panicked feeling that something was wrong, the clear thought process of connecting the dots and suddenly understanding.  I excused myself and went to the bathroom.  My mom followed.  She asked if I was okay.  I responded affirmatively and held back my tears and disbelief.  From that moment on I was never really sure if I could believe what they told me.

I knew from the time my son was born that I would not be upholding the 'Santa Claus' tradition.  He would have an exquisitely planned Christmas full of traditions, surprises, and wonders.  But he would fully know who was responsible for these things (Mama and Dad); and that Saint Nicholas did exist a long time ago and gave gifts to poor children- which is where the character of Santa Claus came from.  He knows who hides the Easter eggs and baskets and that there is no Easter Bunny.

So, last night after I finished brushing his teeth when he sat in my lap and looked up at me with those big innocent eyes full of hope and asked me with a timid voice; knowing very well he was about to be disappointed but yet still hoping there was a possibility; "Mama, is there a tooth fairy?".  I just couldn't.  I couldn't look into those trusting eyes and lie to him.  I knew that my answer would crush him, but I just couldn't lie to those eyes. I explained to him that I was the tooth fairy.  That when the day came in which he lost a tooth, he would place it under his pillow at bed time and that I would take it out after he fell to sleep and place money in its stead.  He looked so disappointed.  He choked back the tears.  I tentatively asked if that was okay; if it is okay that I am the tooth fairy.  He answered "I wish there was a tooth fairy."  I didn't know what to say.  I said I would find out if there really is.

I want my babies to know that they can come to me and ask me any question they could possibly come up with and that I will answer them truthfully.  I want them to trust me and want to ask me the difficult questions.    I don't want to ever give them the impression that I would not answer them honestly even if it is not what they want to hear.  And so, if he asks again I will have to tell them what I know to be true.  I am sorry baby, but I am the tooth fairy.  However, my darling; I will never lie to you.  I will always tell you the truth and you can always come to me with any question knowing you will have whatever answer I can give to you.

Spring

I had forgotten how lovely it feels to go barefoot.  To open up the patio door, sip an espresso and feel as though you are productive solely because you have been outdoors.  I love the sounds of lawnmowers in the distance, children playing outside, and backyard picnics.  I love open windows and watching the birds dance in the trees.  I love new floppy hats, sunscreen white faces, and the glamour of sunglasses.  The simplicity of just slipping on sandals and stepping outside.  The decadence of sipping a cold drink while sitting on your back porch watching the clouds drift by.  Oh the joys of lazy spring days!

Life, Love, and Laughter

We closed on the duplex yesterday!  Although we had a busy weekend and hadn't planned on getting started working on the repairs quite yet, we were too excited to wait.  So while Andrew got busy tearing out the bath surround I started taping the trim so we are ready to go for painting.  Our boys (ages 2 and 4) were so excited to have a new place to play that they were running around playing tag and 'step on the dot' (their version of 'don't step on the crack'). It was adorable.  My son suggested we dance so we turned the radio up and enjoyed the moment.  It's the little things that make life fun :)

Cabin Fever

It is February, and although it isn't as cold as years past I am still sick of winter.  I long for days spent outside in the sunshine, long walks, picnics, bike rides, and lazy afternoons spent on the porch.  Somehow, a lazy afternoon on the couch just isn't the same ;).

Dear Summer:
If you are reading this, I want you back.  I never should have let you leave.
Love,
Me

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

Maybe in other parts of the country (like 1/4" in Wisconsin).... but up here in the mountains there is NO SNOW.  Seriously, none.  Is that crazy or what?  I am really hoping this doesn't go on for much longer.  Not that I love snow or anything (quite the contrary); but I love water.  I do not like droughts.  So, there you have it.  I'm dreaming of a white January.  

I dream in pink

... ballet pink that is.  I danced through my teens and early 20's, then life got in the way.  College and 'the real world' were all consuming and I just didn't have time to dance.  I am now 28 and the 'real world' doesn't seem so daunting anymore.  I have a career, a family, a life- but I still long for movement, grace, and beauty.  So I have started ballet classes once more.  I LOVE feeling my body express music again.  One day a week for an hour and a half is a much different experience than 5 days a week for 3 hours a day- but, I still love it.  Once a dancer, always a dancer.

  

Peace, Relaxation, Adventure, and Spontaneity

I am sitting in my kitchen on this sunny fall afternoon drinking espresso and dreaming of a vacation.  There is just something romantic and dreamy about a vacation.  Maybe because it is due to the change of pace a vacation brings, or maybe it is just a change in attitude.  Whatever it is, I want one.  That got me thinking.  Where would I go if I could pack my little family up right this second and travel?  What would we do?  I have no idea!  Well, I mean I can think of at least 2 or 3 places, but I am a planner.  I need a list.  I need options.  So, for my future travels I am making a list.  Here are the top 5 places I want to see in my lifetime (not in any particular order.  each is equally lusted after) :

1- Venice  *sigh* romance, architecture, water, ITALY.  

2-  Belize  - Jungle, Mayan ruins, beach, what more could a girl ask for?

3-  Greece  - History, BEAUTY, and beaches.  A Mediterranean cruise would be w.o.n.d.e.r.f.u.l.  

 

4- Iceland - I have always been impressed with their environmental and sustainability innovation; combine that with their country's beauty and you have an educational AND breathtaking vacation.  

5- Fiji -  Need I say more?  Wow.  This place has clear blue water, solitude, and palm trees.  

There we have it.  Now I have 5 options should someone call me to give me airplane tickets and offer to pay for our stay somewhere far, far away.... hey; I can dream, right?

This is living

After music and movement class today the boys and I walked around the river.  We brought a picnic lunch and sat on a blanket.  It was a beautiful day- not too hot and not too cold.  They LOVED all of the activity.  We saw buses, birds, and lots of people.  I just LOVE the enthusiasm they have for all of the little things.  It makes ME enjoy life so much more.  My oldest took off his shoes and went hunting for sticks and rocks in the river.  He had so much fun that his brother and I had to join!  We had so much fun splashing around that we decided it will be our weekly activity until it gets too cold outside.  Love looking at the world through a 3 year old's perspective  <3 .

A Love Affair

Dear Fall:
I miss you dearly when you are gone.  I love the feel of change that is in the air when you are around.  You paint my world with beautiful colors, and bring me fond memories of years past.  I love to watch the squirrels play in your falling leaves and rake mounds of them up so my boys can leap into them and watch them fly.  I love the sound of laughter that is carried on your wind and the feel of a warm mug of apple cider or hot chocolate on cold fingers.  I love snuggling up with my babies and a blanket above a heater to warm up, and dressing in layers that include scarves and mittens.  I love the look of rosy cheeks and seeing a puff of air when I breathe out.  I love waking up to the patterns Jack Frost paints on my window.  I love sweaters and wool blankets, pumpkin bread and hot mochas.  I love lazy Saturdays spent watching football and eating chips.  I love nights cuddled up under blankets watching the stars.  Welcome back!
Love:  Me

Dancing in the kitchen

One of my favorite things to do is dance in the kitchen with my boys.  They love spinning and dancing to the music, and it INSTANTLY cheers me up!  <3

Here's a song to get you started:

A lazy summer afternoon

It doesn't get much better than this!  Sitting on the back porch in warm- but not hot- weather.  Listening to a lawnmower, children playing, and a barking dog in the distance.  Content just to sit after a productive day spent playing at the park with the boys, cleaning and doing laundry, and work meetings/ reports.  Bliss.

*Whew*

We have been looking at houses.  There is SO much to buying a house!  I had no idea!  This is my first home purchase (the house we are currently living in my husband purchased before we met) so it is a bit overwhelming to me.  FIRST you have to find a house you like (um... not really having this problem lol).  THEN you have to find the lowest rate, best bank, least fees, etc.  That is the part I am on right now.  It is so frustrating!  I HATE salesman-y people and refuse to do business with someone who isn't 'real' with me.  Dear US Bank: this means you.  I am currently working on getting rates from local credit unions and banks... wish me luck!  Hopefully everything goes smoother after the loan part gets crossed off our list!

My Darlings

I dread the day when I no longer step all over legos and pretzel crumbs.
I dread the night I do not get awoken at 2 a.m. because someone is thirsty or lost their bear.
I dread the morning that I do not wake up at dusk to a little boy who wants to cuddle.
I dread the night I do not tell a bedtime story or sing a lullaby.

I am in awe at how fast my boys are growing up.
I am in wonder at how smart they are.
I am captivated by their innocence and beauty.

I am overcome with gratitude and amazement that I get to experience such a precious and treasured (although fleeting) time in their lives.
Although I look forward to seeing them grow, experience life, and mature; I value this time with them and will dearly miss it when it departs.
Each day is so wonderful that I can't imagine the next day being better.
Yet somehow it always is.

The art of Espresso

I love espresso.  White Chocolate Mocha.  YUM.  But, I think more than I love the taste of espresso, I love to MAKE an espresso drink.  There is just something creatively unique and satisfactory about the mundane process of grinding beans, the drip, the steaming, and the pouring that makes me feel joyful.  Anyone else?

Wishing time would stop right in its tracks

Ah, youth.  Even though I am a mere 28 years old I feel like I am growing older by the day.  What do they say? Living to Die?

A bit depressing, but not my intention of this post.  I have 1 and 3 year old boys.  They are growing so fast!  I feel like the sand from our hourglass is slipping right through my hands as I madly try to grasp it.  I have loved every (well, ALMOST every) second spent with them since the moment they were placed in my arms.  Even though time has just gotten better I still wish I could feel the weight of a newborn, and smell my babys' breath again.

I love how animated and full of energy they are.  I love how they sing at the top of their lungs and dance in the kitchen with me.  I love the passion and energy they feel for something as mundane as helping me put the laundry into the washing machine.  I love how much fun they have going on a car ride and the joy the experience when they see a concrete mixer or dump truck.  I want to remember each and every moment.  I wish I could pause, rewind, and play back moments from my life whenever I wished.  Or maybe, just maybe, it is fleeting moments that make life so treasured.   

Perspective

We live, then we die. We make no real impact on the world; just those around us, particularly our family. In 200 years from now, the only people who will even know or care that I existed will be my great great grandchildren (hopefully!).

Our existence is so mind blowing to me.... we are living organisms (or so we suppose). Just the mechanics of our bodies is so extensive, that it is easy to get caught up thinking about that. Then you take it one step further, to the mechanics of society, communication, and human interaction. Yikes. Now, go even further. The planet, the solar system. Did these things just occur? If so, how many more are out there? Where; really, is 'out there'? I feel like a tiny ant that is unaware of the big picture.

It is about now that I start to get overwhelmed with the hugeness of this train of thought... and then determine that it doesn't really matter. Even if I AM an ant, could I really ever be anything else? Is it worth the time and effort to extensively try to figure this out? Or is it a good possibility that it never will be figured out? Will we all just march in and out of our existence?

I plan on one day marching right out of mine... and hope that I have lived a long, happy, healthy life. I hope to spend it with the people I love the most (my husband, children, and family), and hope that I accomplish one thing during my existence: that they are without a doubt aware of how much I love them and how much they mean to me; so much so that my entire existence is devoted to them. That is the meaning to my life. They are why I WANT to be here more than anywhere else.... wherever that may be.

Breathe

Today's world is so fast paced. Everything is going a hundred miles a minute and I feel like a frazzled woman standing on the train tracks trying to stop a locomotive. There are so many things to do. Clean the house, spend time with the kids, have one on one time with the husband, take care of the yard work, maintain a job, run errands, make doctors appointments, pay bills, do the grocery shopping, make dinner, and on and on and on. You get the idea. It makes me long for a simpler life. So I am writing this in hopes to remind myself to stop and smell the flowers. Watch the rain. Enjoy cuddling with my precious babies. Put my feet up, and just BE.

The little things

Each day I try to focus on a small moment that makes me happy. It might be cuddling with my children, laying in the grass with the sun on my face, or watching the satisfaction my toddler gets from a chocolate muffin. Whatever it is, those small daily moments make me happy. I recently heard a very inspiring quote: "Don't get caught up so much in making a living, that you forget to make a LIFE." (Unknown author) Love it.

Coupons.... need I say more?

Coupons seem to be one of the lastest fads. I will admit, I am partially on that bandwagon. For me, it is an addiction.... ugh. It is SO much fun to go to the store with a handful of coupons and walk out spending only a few dollars on several bags of items. But it is so annoying to go to 5 stores just to save money. I LOVE the daily deal sites online. LOVE them. I don't have to leave my house to get a great deal... AND I have all day to decide if it really IS a good deal for me or not. Also, I never leave the house to go to a store before googling to find out if there is a printable coupon. But for now, I think that is going to be the extent of my couponing... Are you into couponing?

Oooh, how great would it be to start a couponers anonymous? Talk about a successful business lol!